"If I fall asleep with a pen in my hand, don't remove it - I might be writing in my dreams." ~Terri Guillemets
This evening I went back and revisited some of the blogs I had set aside while contemplating the future state of my life. Often I find myself lost in the thoughts of what will tomorrow bring and forget about today. It's important to plan for the future but equally if not more important to live in the moment. We often waste so many precious moments by failing to live within them and only live around them. Something I only learned this past year is that true happiness is found in the moment and not in the promise of future moments or past memories.
When Georgia and I first started talking I didn't have a clue where or how far it would lead us. These past 14 months have been an incredible learning experience and a wonderful time of growth.I've learned a great deal about myself and about Georgia.
The first impression I got from her was very different than who she is turning out to really be. I remember a very aggressive straight forward and somewhat critical lecture about oral sex that set me straight even before we really got to anywhere near that place. It actually both intrigued and scared me a little. Looking back now I can see what it really was all about. It was about trust, security, and most of all it was about not knowing true love yet and associating previous experiences with what love had up to that point been for her. The Georgia I know today isn't that same Georgia. We've come a long way from that lecture and this thing we do.
When we decided to try TTWD I don't think either of us was really sure about what or where it would lead us to. I've always had this hidden desire to be the aggressive/dominate/authoritative role in a relationship. I've always wanted a submissive partner but I've also always had this inner conflict going on. I wanted an independent, strong woman that could take care of herself. How is it possible to have both? Is there such a thing as a strong, independent, submissive woman. Now I know that there is such a thing and I believe I've found it in Georgia. Deep inside of her I see the submissive woman struggling with the strong independent part of herself that she is afraid of losing. I know that she can be both without giving up either. I'm going to help her find that combination and teach her how to let go.
How? Well now that is a good question. I believe that through total unconditional love combined with a caring understanding partner and a structured lifestyle we can accomplish this.
Lately Georgia has been testing the boundaries of my tolerance. She seems to go through these spells of needing to push to see how far she can get away with things. Her weapon of choice has been sassiness. I have been far too tolerant I believe. My problem has been that I can't decide when her sassy antics are just playfulness and when she is crossing over toward disrespect and disregard for my authority. I've run the scenario over and over in my mind on how to deal with these issues. Being a distant HoH makes it hard to march her to her room and take a paddle to her ass. One of the ways I'm decided to approach things is to make her write a blog entry explaining why she believe she has be acting the way she has. I don't know that this is a deterrent but it does give me some insight into her thoughts on the matter.
When I get to Georgia's the first of next month I will be carrying with me a few implements to try and help get across how serious I am about TTWD. Up until now any disciplinary actions have felt for lack of a better word fake. They have been lacking that real kick and incentive that I feel she needs. I intend ion correcting that as soon as I can. Hopefully by setting up a few expectations and the memory of a consequence or two I can put us on the track we both so long to be on. I believe she need me to show her that I am capable of doing my part in "this thing we do".
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