Fear, Excitement and the Future

"The truth is I loathe change... No, I like change... No I hate it."

Welcome to my mind. I often find myself torn between two opposing thoughts. One fighting to edge out in front of the other leaving  me, myself and I trapped and at it's mercy. The hardest part of this long distance relationship is not being right beside each other when either of us need support, be it an ear to rant to, a shoulder to cry on or just the comfort of holding one another during those tough times. Sure we can rant via phone, text, or chat and we can cry the same way. Let's face it though, there has yet to be a smartphone, computer keyboard or and social media chat function that can replace the warmth of your lover's arms wrapped tightly around you.

The end of September is quickly approaching. We've already burnt 5 days so far. My emotions have been pretty unbalanced since getting my official notice of release from my job. It's mostly been a roller coaster of ups and downs (my battling mind on overdrive). I seem to run the full gamut of emotions on a daily basis. I have my moments of fear; worrying that the move may not turn out the way I want. That is often followed by excitement at the possibilities that lay before us. Sometime during the day I will experience a strong sadness at the thought of leaving my daughter, friends and family behind. Add to all of this the mixture of happiness to finally be moving on to the next chapter of my life with the woman I love, the worries over the job market and how I'll manage to support myself, and all the little details around the work involved with moving and starting over. You can see how that would drive a man practically insane.

To cope with all the emotional swings I have several tools at my disposal. There is keeping busy with all the logistics of packing, tidying up loose ends at work getting things ready for the turnover there, writing in several blogs and of course my thoughts on DD once I'm physically with M. I spend a bit of my downtime going over scenarios in my mind. I often wonder how M will handle actually having a HoH in house. Will she be able to handle actually practicing DD as opposed to what we've been doing in the past (mostly talking about what we think DD should be for us)? How will we handle discipline with the kids around? How will I handle being a full time HoH? I know deep down we believe DD is a lifestyle we both want and we both believe our lives and our relationship will benefit massively from it.

Well, it's time for me once again to get back to the reality of everyday life. In closing I want to leave a few questions hanging for any of you that happen by.

1. How do you handle discipline with kids in the household?
2. What sort of discipline do you practice when kids are home?
3. How often do you practice maintenance if you do?
4. When you first started out what were some of the obstacles you remember running into and how did you overcome them?
5. What advice would you give to new couples just beginning DD?

Until next time. Cya!!

Scott

I'm Coming Back or Shall I Start Again

First of all let me say "Wow, I'm sorry I haven't posted since January of 2011." Sometimes life has a way of altering our direction and changing our intended path. I want to start fresh with a new slate. Well, sort of . I need to do this right if I'm going to do it so I'm here to try once again. To update anyone out there reading this let me recap the past year and 7 months. Georgia and I have had a lot of ups... Wait!!

Okay if I'm going to do this it has to be real. No more aliased names. So let me introduce myself. Hi my real name is Scott. I'm a 44 (soon to be 45) year old software developer located in the middle of the country for now. I have a 20 year old daughter that is getting ready to continue the next phase of her life on her own for the first time as I move 1200 miles across the country to actually work on what is the next phase in my own life. I was introduced to DD by the love of my life who I will refer to for now as "M". M isn't quite as comfortable with real names as I am. Yet!

If you want a little background on myself and M and how we got to DD read my previous post "Beginning Thoughts".

Okay so where to go from here... M and I have had a somewhat rocky road over the past 19 months. Lots of emotional turmoil coupled by the long distance of our relationship has really tested that relationship and there are definite cracks in it's exterior. There isn't any one thing to blame, there are tons of wonderfully perfect excuses but the truth is every one of us can come up with a "good" perfectly "legit" excuse for most if not all of the short falls in our lives. I know I've more than a few times blamed others for my own failures. It's time to crawl out from behind the excuses and insecurities and live.

I have spent  the better part of our three year relationship hiding behind the excuse that it wasn't the right time to move because of my job situation. What that really meant was "since I'm pretty secure in my current position and I can't get any guarantees on what the future will hold it's best I stay in my comfort zone and not risk anything". I've lived the past 3 years wanting to be with the woman I love and being too damn scared of all the unknowns to act on it. Now I've gotten myself into a deeper mess by doing this. I found out that my contract will not be refunded and as of Sept 28th I will be unemployed unless I find another job by then. The following is a comparison of my thoughts and hers.

My Mind: "This could be the perfect time to pack up and move. I no longer have the job to hide behind and I really want to be there in the first place. The timing is a sign."

Her Mind:  "If he wasn't losing his job would he be trying to get here? Why now and not 12 - 19 months ago? This may be a sign."

Now my dilemma is how do I prove to her that it is a sign that we should be together and disprove that it may be a sign we should be apart? I can answer her questions but how do I prove my answers are truthful and sincere? Now I have never lied to her or ever given her any reason not to trust me but how does one overcome doubts.

I love this woman with all my heart. I know she loves me. Love has never been in question between us and things are always better when we are together. We both obviously have our own quirks and insecurities. I'm often needy and require reassurance of affection. She's bad about tucking her head into the sand and avoiding issues instead of facing them head on. I can be jealous and sometimes controlling. She's stubborn and likes things her way. I'm a disciplinary and she's a pacifist. We are sometimes polar opposites but we tend to compliment each other in these areas.

Both of us have a strong interest in DD. I believe it will help us to better complement one another. From our initial experiments we know several things.

1. Spankings often tend to adjust M's mood dramatically (for the better). The connection we share during and afterwards is as intimate as any other act I've ever experienced.
2. My authoritative side makes her feel more secure.
3. When she believes I mean what I'm saying she can be submissive.

I know that M is struggling with an inner conflict about submissiveness, She was raised by strong women who were very independent. Their mindset was not one of submissive behavior. Everything she feels about submissiveness is in direct conflict with everything she was taught about what a real woman is. She is not only fighting that but also struggling to be her own self and is afraid of losing her identity if she if gives in completely to her desires. I can understand the fear of losing yourself. I also understand the conflict between what she believes and what she was taught. Neither of those are light matters. As HoH I want to provide my family with love, security, structure, and the chance to be happy. I know that being submissive doesn't mean weak. It's quite the opposite in my opinion. I feel that it takes a very strong woman to let go of the common myths and go against all that she has been taught in order to embrace her inner desires and needs.

I'll close this post with a few questions.

So to all you ladies out there practicing DD what words of wisdom would you share with me? I doubt many of you were taught to be submissive by your parents. So what things helped you in moving toward reaching the place you are? Specifically, what can I as a HoH do to assist/support/nurture my love as she works toward her desires? I also want to hear from you HoH's too on what your experiences have been like and what sort of things you've done in supporting the woman you love.

~Scott