To Spank Or Not To Spank

"Never mistake the absence of a spanking as the absence of discipline." ~ Yours Truly

TTWD has and in some ways always will be a fragile dance between two very strong parts of me that are often polar opposites, that compassionate and somewhat docile man that is my nature and the powerful dominate man I truly wish to be in my heart. I tend to lean toward tolerance and compassion over stern discipline and strictness. Often I think this leads people to the conclusion that I am weak in my convictions lest they in some way suit my own needs. The truth is compassion takes far more self-strength and conviction than dominance any day. 

When Georgia gave me authority over her I accepted the responsibility for her well being as well as the family's. We agreed that I would be the ultimate authority, the HoH whenever there was a need for leadership and direction. This wasn't and isn't about power it is about trust. Her trusting me to always put her and our well being first. It is also about me trusting myself and my decisions and to not waiver in making them. I don't expect her to always understand my decisions nor do I expect her to simply follow blindly without a voice. I do expect her to respect our commitment to one another in TTWD. That commitment requires her to submit to my authority as long as it serves our overall well being an ultimate happiness.

In Georgia's recent blog entry Stupid Things I do, she talks about a recent unpleasant event that occurred this past Monday. While driving to pick up the kids from their weekend visit with their father she got a speeding ticket. She was very worried about how I would react to this. I could tell (like i can always tell) something was wrong when I heard her voice on the phone.

"What's wrong baby?", I asked concerned with her tone of voice. 

"I don't want to tell you.", she replied on the verge of tears.

Now my first thought is oh no what has she done. Well, simply because she wouldn't have said that had she not done anything. After a few moments of silence (this seems to work well with getting her to talk) she tells me that she got a speeding ticket. Ok I am a little upset because my first thought is of the financial impact but I quickly shake that off. What is done is done. No use crying over spilled milk as the saying goes. I ask her how many tickets she has gotten since beginning to drive. I believe one should get as many facts as possible before deciding on a course of action. Se tells me this is the second one ever. I'm thinking ok two tickets in all of her years of driving (note the tactful way I avoided giving away her age) does not indicate a disregard for the rules nor a reoccurring habit that needs to be squashed. I decide that the best approach to the situation at hand is to be compassionate and understanding. I reassure her that it isn't the end of the world and everything will be ok. We talk a few more minutes and once I think she is in a better place with things I let her go to finish her drive home. At this point one would think that the situation has been defused and the path to harmony is restored. That conclusion would be a bit less than accurate. In a later discussion Georgia came forth with additional facts about the events of the day. She tells me that the real reason she got the ticket was because she wasn't paying attention and was checking Facebook on her cell while driving. Now this particular fact changes the outcome quite a bit from the original situation. Am very upset at the newly disclosed facts. I an very serious about not texting/browsing/etc... while driving. I've warned her about this before and now there are consequences to pay for doing it again. She is just lucky that her actions only resulted in a ticket and not something far more serious like bodily injury or death. Now I'm faced with how to deal with the infraction. I prefer to cool down a little before making decisions of this sort. She asks me how upset I am on a 1 to 10 scale. I told her that I was probably an 8 at that point and later I'd most likely cool down to a 7 and end up a 6 by morning.

The following day while chatting she asked me if she would be getting a spanking over the event. I told her no, probably not. Her question and my comment were affected by assumptions on both our parts. I "ASS"umed she was talking about the ticket and she "ASS"umed I was talking about the entire incident. While reading her entry I realized the broken communication and informed her that I was only talking about the ticket and not about what we now refer to as DWF - 'Driving While Facebooking' . The DWF will be dealt with appropriately. I love Georgia with every fiber of my being and I trust that love and my own intuition to guide me without error to the right course of action. Spanking or no spanking well that is something I'm still working out.

After reading her blog entry I spent a good deal of time thinking about TTWD and more specifically my commitment as HoHuntrusting and leery. I'll definitely have more to say on trust in my next entry stay tuned . . . 

A Kind of Ramble . . .

"If I fall asleep with a pen in my hand, don't remove it - I might be writing in my dreams."  ~Terri Guillemets

This evening I went back and revisited some of the blogs I had set aside while contemplating the future state of my life. Often I find myself lost in the thoughts of what will tomorrow bring and forget about today. It's important to plan for the future but equally if not more important to live in the moment. We often waste so many precious moments by failing to live within them and only live around them. Something I only learned this past year is that true happiness is found in the moment and not in the promise of future moments or past memories.

When Georgia and I first started talking I didn't have a clue where or how far it would lead us. These past 14 months have been an incredible learning experience and a wonderful time of growth.I've learned a great deal about myself and about Georgia.

The first impression I got from her was very different than who she is turning out to really be. I remember a very aggressive straight forward and somewhat critical lecture about oral sex that set me straight even before we really got to anywhere near that place. It actually both intrigued and scared me a little. Looking back now I can see what it really was all about. It was about trust, security, and most of all it was about not knowing true love yet and associating previous experiences with what love had up to that point been for her. The Georgia I know today isn't that same Georgia. We've come a long way from that lecture and this thing we do.

When we decided to try TTWD I don't think either of us was really sure about what or where it would lead us to. I've always had this hidden desire to be the aggressive/dominate/authoritative role in a relationship. I've always wanted a submissive partner but I've also always had this inner conflict going on. I wanted an independent, strong woman that could take care of herself. How is it possible to have both? Is there such a thing as a strong, independent, submissive woman. Now I know that there is such a thing and I believe I've found it in Georgia. Deep inside of her I see the submissive woman struggling with the strong independent part of herself that she is afraid of losing. I know that she can be both without giving up either. I'm going to help her find that combination and teach her how to let go.

How? Well now that is a good question. I believe that through total unconditional love combined with a caring understanding partner and a structured lifestyle we can accomplish this.

Lately Georgia has been testing the boundaries of my tolerance. She seems to go through these spells of needing to push to see how far she can get away with things. Her weapon of choice has been sassiness. I have been far too tolerant I believe. My problem has been that I can't decide when her sassy antics are just playfulness and when she is crossing over toward disrespect and disregard for my authority. I've run the scenario over and over in my mind on how to deal with these issues. Being a distant HoH makes it hard to march her to her room and take a paddle to her ass. One of the ways I'm decided to approach things is to make her write a blog entry explaining why she believe she has be acting the way she has. I don't know that this is a deterrent but it does give me some insight into her thoughts on the matter.

When I get to Georgia's the first of next month I will be carrying  with me a few implements to try and help get across how serious I am about TTWD. Up until now any disciplinary actions have felt for lack of a better word fake. They have been lacking that real kick and incentive that I feel she needs. I intend ion correcting that as soon as I can. Hopefully by setting up a few expectations and the memory of a consequence or two I can put us on the track we both so long to be on. I believe she need me to show her that I am capable of doing my part in "this thing we do".

Consequences

"While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions " ~ Stephen R. Covey

     Lately Georgia has been quite a bit sassy and I feel she has really been testing me and testing my boundaries. It's often hard to distinguish which side of that gray line between funny and disrespectful she is walking. I've been very tolerant of her sassiness because I am often not sure where that line is. It occurred to me today that my tolerance is more an extension of my own inability to set the boundaries for myself. If I don't set my own boundaries how can I expect her to learn and know when she has crossed them.

     After a bit of deep thought and some meditation I came to a few realizations:

• There is only a gray area if I allow it to exist.
• Disrespect is not something that can be clouded by a gray area. 

    
     It became very clear to me that I have to set the boundaries and then enforce them. Disrespect either exists or doesn't and it isn't always about intent. You can easily disrespect someone without ever intending on doing so. If I feel disrespected then that is a good sign that respect is very well in question. It is up to me to determine if I feel disrespected and if so to correct the situation.

     While the quote I posted at the beginning of this entry is very true I'm going to expound on it a bit and end this post with my version of that quote.

"While we may freely choose our actions, often the consequences are placed at the whim of those targeted by those chosen actions" ~ Scott Tussey

Distance and Discipline

    Distance relationships are inherently tough. A bit of an understatement if I say so myself. How does one comfort a loved one by wrapping them in their arms and holding them when their arms are 50, 100, a thousand miles away?

    Today's generations have it harder than those that came before us. Not because they didn't deal with distant relationship but because it has become more of a norm than an exception. With the advent of the Internet and social chat sites, online dating and a host of other avenues to meet people from miles and miles away, it only makes sense that more distant unions would and shall come about.

    As I said before, distant relationships are tough. Add to the mix the complexities of this thing we do and at times it feels overwhelming. How do I maintain my position of authority and head of household when I'm not actually in the household?

    Georgia and I are very new to DD. If you would have asked either of us if we could see ourselves in a relationship with this type of dynamic 5 years or even 1 year ago we would have probably looked at you as if you'd lost your mind (while thinking deep inside hmmmmm wonder how that would work).

    I've known Georgia pretty much all of my life. We met way back in kindergarten and although we didn't really grow up together we remained connected all those years (I believe there was some kind of secret ingredient in the gingerbread cookies she brought me for Christmas that year). We reconnected briefly a bit later in life. Somewhere in our early to mid-thirties around 2004 if I'm right. Then thanks to our feeble defenses against peer pressure we bumped into one another on Facebook. We began to talk and well one thing led to another and today we are here, traveling down the path of TTWD.

    Sorry to have traveled so far from the point of this post. Allow me to return now to my thoughts and questions.

    I've been struggling with how to practice (and learn) the ways of a HoH from a distance. I've established some rules for Georgia but I've allowed myself to use the distance as an excuse to not completely enforce them. I've been for lack of a better way to describe it wishy-washy.

    Recently reading several posts and comments about spanking I learned a bit from the receiver's point of view and their expectations. I've also learned a lot from reading a few posts from G herself. The one thing I've learned is that it's really about making G feel safe and loved and cared for. To fulfill her need for assistance in creating and defining structure, motivation, and consistency in her/our everyday life.

    I'm looking for advice from others that are in a distance DD relationship on ways to discipline and maintain an authoritative role when you aren't physically in the household. Spankings are obviously not an option while we are at a distance but I know there must be proven ways to exert my authority while we are apart and I wonder what other HoHs do.

    By the way my question isn't just to the Tops out there I welcome input from the Bottoms too.

~Scott

A Warm Heart Could Lead to a Hot Ass

Georgia has one of the biggest hearts I've ever seen. She oozes with compassion, love, and is by nature a healer. These are admirable traits and I know I'm blessed to have her in my life.

We are very new to "this thing we do" and I'll have to admit I sometimes feel a little confused and a bit conflicted when dealing with heart versus mind issues. I know it is a natural conflict, this battle between heart and mind and often it is a fine line we walk in trying to do the right thing. Sometimes the mind gets the heart in trouble but I think more often than not the heart gets the mind (and possibly the ass) in trouble.

Georgia recently met a new friend. A single mother in need. Naturally, being the caring soul that she is, she wanted to help and set out to do just that. She agreed to babysit for her new friend. Her friend has an 8 year old daughter and Georgia's soon to be 4 year old daughter was excited to have a new playmate that wasn't her twin brother. According to Georgia the child is sweet and well behaved. Sitting for her doesn't seem to be a problem at least not when taken at face value. However when looking at the grand scheme of things the picture tends to blur a little.

The issue isn't the child but the mother. Now granted I'm about to judge someone that I don't know personally and that has never done anything to me but . . . but! from the little bit I've found out about her I have a very uncomfortable feeling for the situation. What follows are my observations and concerns.

• The woman works evening hours. The little girl stays with Georgia from around 3:00pm until 10:30pm or later.
• This disrupts an already precarious evening schedule for Georgia and the twins.
• The woman seems somewhat unreliable to me at best.
• Maybe I just have trust issues but something doesn't sit right with me about her.
• I question the overall welfare of the child.
• What kind of mother chooses a complete stranger to sit their child without doing and background research?
• On either the first or second day of sitting Georgia had a dentist appointment. She asked her brother to sit with the children while she was out. She informed the mother of the situation and explained that the kids would be with her brother until she could finish with the dentist and return home. The mother didn't have any issue with these arrangements. Once again I ask what kind of mother would do this sort of thing?
• Tonight the mother's schedule was supposed to be until 7:00pm. Tonight when she came to pick the child up she tried to get Georgia to go out with her and see if her brother would watch the kids when he got home from work (He gets home around 11:00pm). When Georgia said maybe some other time the woman asked her if she would keep the little girl while she went out. Georgia did . . .

All of this brings me to where I am tonight and the real point of this post, heart or mind? Georgia didn't get in any trouble for any of this other than missing her lights out curfew. However I was upset at the circumstances and the position she put herself into. I have several issues with all of this:

• Georgia should have set well defined boundaries governing the following:
• Drop off time. (Specific)
• Pick up time. (Specific)

I personally believe she should not have agree to watch the little girl for her mom to go out and party. However with that said since she did agree she should have once again defined the boundaries:

• Pick up time. (Specific)
• Where the mother was going. (Specific)

As of midnight the little girl was still asleep on the sofa, Georgia had missed her curfew and I had a very uneasy feeling about the entire arrangement. I'm chalking this one up to a lesson in following one's heart. Georgia has a very large , loving, and compassionate heart. I know that all she saw was a child in need and not a selfish "mother" that seems to have a total disregard for her responsibilities as a parent. And for that I can accept a lack of judgement on her part. That said, I think I made it pretty clear to her that repeats wouldn't be handled so generously in the future. From now own I expect her to set boundaries and to be firm in holding to them. If not she will be in for more than just a reprimand and I'm not sure how much she'd enjoy feeling nausea as well as a stinging hot ass.

Firsts

We experienced our first discipline spanking over this past weekend. It will definitely take us a little while to adjust and find the right threshold on things but the more we move in this direction the better it feels for both of us.

We decided to start things off with a maintenance spanking. It involved having Georgia bend over my knees and my spanking her with my bare hand. It felt a bit too mechanical and more like going through the motions than anything else and I didn’t feel either of us got what we needed from it beyond just a sample of the mechanics involved. Afterwards G moved over to lay on the bed and I asked her what she needed from me. We talked about the overall feelings about it and decided to try another one to see if our discussion had helped us gain some insight on things. This time I had her bend over the foot of the bed. Although the results seem less mechanical this time we still could feel something was not quite what we expected. Part of the issue I thing is neither of us knowing exactly what we expect. It’s hard to put into words what exactly I expect because it is more of a feeling than a tangible thought. I’m not sure that makes sense.

Afterwards we spent the afternoon in bed talking, kissing, dreaming of the future and enjoying each others company. Georgia began to get a bit sassy at one point and started pushing on a nerve. As I look back at it now I realize that it was her attempt to see how far she could push and at what point I would either ignore her actions or step up and take actions of my own. I decided to take actions of my own. I told her to move to the end of the bed and she refused. I decided her laying across the bed naked and with her ass bare and exposed was a position that would suffice. I proceeded to give her what I would call a true disciplinary spanking. It was hard and lasted a while longer than either of the two attempted maintenance spankings. She was surprised at my actions and I suspect a bit stunned. Her ass was a bright red when I finished and she kept reaching back rubbing it as we discussed why she got the spanking. I made her decide to whether or not to commit to the spankings or not. Our agreement is to try them for no less than 8 months, at which time we will assess the results and determine if we are getting what we need from them.

I’ll be back with more updates . . .

Beginning Thoughts

    Recently there was a rather large turn of events in my and G’s relationship. We discovered somethings about one another that pushed us forward toward more of the kind of relationship we both desire. Unfortunately most of the conversations that lead us to our discovery were on Facebook and there is no history to look back at. So I will do my best to try and retrace the path that led us here.

    The beginning of this all really started with our sexual interests and our curiosity. We had experimented a tiny bit with erotic spanking. I’d always had a guarded interest in some S&D things; light bondage, blindfolds, etc… spanking is very new to me and to be honest I’m both very curious and a little guarded about it. Most of the guardedness comes from a fear of hurting her. I worry that my numbness in my hands will limit my ability to judge how hard I am hitting her. She assures me she will let me know if it is too much and i believe her but I am still a little gun shy for now.

    Well our interest in erotic spanking and exploring other things not entirely straight lined and main stream often leads us to this sort of cat and mouse game of edging our way along the edge of the non conventional. I knew that I could feel her interest in things and i suspect she felt mine too. Well this past week we somehow find our way across that boundary that seemed to keep us just on the edge of really opening up and talking about things. As i said before I don’t know what exactly got us here but the discussions moved from being limited to the bedroom and into our relationship as a whole. After chatting for a little while one day she asked me if I had ever heard of Domestic Discipline. She gave me a few websites to look at and before long I realized that some of my deepest desires and wants ran very close to these concepts and practices.

    Now let me start by telling you a few things about my love. Georgia is no timid compliant drone of a woman that in anyway could be construed as a woman that would let any man push her around. She is highly intelligent, extremely strong, and very capable. I’d never in a million years believed I’d find a submissive side to her. Now don’t take that commit to mean that I believe that submissive women are not all of the things I just mentioned when describing her. I simply would have never put her in that role before. So to find ourselves where we are has been quite a surprise to both of us I think.

    I've suspected for a while now that she was more submissive in the bedroom and wanted a partner that would take control and be more aggressive but I never suspected that would also lead to other aspect of our lives. Our conversations this past week has really been a second major turning point in our relationship. We both feel a certain confidence and feel a sense of direction that I think we’ve been looking for far longer than we realized.

    Starting next weekend we will begin practicing a DD type of relationship. In some ways we have already begun to transition to it. I want to take the time to document my current thoughts and observations so we can record our journey and look back at the milestones we cross.

Points to Note

• I have begun to assume the authoritative role in our relationship.
• We have decided to sit down and discuss the initial set of rules.
• We will try to make decisions together.
• In the event we can’t both agree on particulars I have the final say so.
• We will be using spanking as our primary means of discipline.
• The power giving to me is given with complete trust that I will make decisions that will benefit everyone involved.
• We've agreed to try DD for a minimum of 8 months.

My Feelings –

“With great power comes great responsibility.” – Uncle Ben (Spiderman)

    I know i just quoted a fictional character from superhero comic/movie however the quote is very powerful and accurate. I realize that in assuming the role i am assuming I am agreeing to take on a a great amount of responsibility. It is a bit overwhelming when you think of how much responsibility is involved and yes is scares me a little but it also gives me an overwhelming sense of purpose and direction. It shows me just how much G loves and trusts me. That in and of itself outweighs the fears. I want to make something very clear about my feelings on this chosen lifestyle. It is just that a “chosen” lifestyle. I want this not because G wants it and feels it will help her but because I also feel it will help me. At first I was scared that I may not be able to handle the discipline side of things. Making my love cry will not be an easy thing. I believe it will benefit her and myself in the long run and I know that my love for her would never allow me to push her any further than she is capable of handling. I know we will have a learning period and we will have to figure out a way to adapt things to our temporarily distant relationship. I have complete confidence that we will be able to do so.

To sum up my feelings:

I am excited at the possibilities the lay ahead for us.
I am nervous about the mechanics of it all.

I am honored that G believes and trusts me.
I am bless to have so much love in my life.

For now I’m going to leave things here and will return with an update soon.

“Discipline strengthens the mind so that it becomes impervious to the corroding influence of fear. ” ~ Bernard Law Montgomery